When you move away from friends who are like family, you promise faithfully to each other that you’ll stay in touch. Don’t be surprised if that doesn’t happen though – here I’ll give you 5 tips that you can implement easily and straight away to “get back on track”.
At first, you stay in touch as if you are still ‘just up the road’. Then a week passes, a month. You’re busy. They’re busy. Life impacts on thinking about making contact and actually doing it. Yet when you stop to think, your “busyness” seems trivial in justifying why you haven’t kept in touch with the person or people that you had such an important relationship with.
Yeah, but...
There appears to be obvious ‘get-out clauses’ if you have relocated to the other side of the world:
They’re sleeping when you think about them for a chat and vice versa.
You can’t just ‘nip around’ for a cuppa to catch up on your way home like you used to.
Regular birthday/anniversary/”It’s a Wednesday so why not” events mean you won’t catch up even if life has got in the way because you are not ‘there’.
However, there are just as many of you who are in the same time zones (and country) that can relate to this and lose touch with people who once felt a part of your soul.
Does that make you a bad friend? No.
Does it make them a bad friend? No.
But it does feed into the inner critic in our heads about whether they care anymore – and you worry about whether they think you don’t care about them anymore.
...And there's more...
Let’s add in more passing of time (tick-tock); a missed birthday; an important family event of theirs that you would normally have felt part of but the first you know is the delayed Facebook post feed... oooh, ouchie!
Now it feels awkward because you can’t justify why you haven’t got in touch. You may even feel the creeping in of “Well, they haven’t got in touch with me either so...” – oooohhh...
And you feel you have no news anyway yet you ponder on how is it when you lived in the same town you could spend HOURS in each other’s company talking without taking a breath!!
The breakdown of the communication channels (whichever one it is) creates a void between people and then it just feels “wrong” to get in touch after so long... what would you say??
...But it doesn't need to be this way!
Well, that void is not going to get any smaller the longer you leave it. You’re just going to have to be brave... yep, big breath – here are some ways to make that silent gap feel less so, so you can get back to enjoying things with those that ‘always had your back’.
You miss your mates – tell them! I know – that seems really simple and obvious – but honestly, they are not mind readers and neither are you. And there is every chance that you and your mates should probably not have ‘mind reader’ on your CV coz we are all fairly crap at it! Because you have lost touch, you definitely don’t know what’s going on in their heads and likewise, they don’t know what’s going on with yours. If they did know that you are freaking out about losing that special friendship, they would want to wrap you into their arms for that long overdue (and very missed) hug.
Set up a group page on Facebook or group WhatsApp (or something similar). Create that virtual chat room so those that are important to you are together in some capacity. This also works brilliantly if you are working with different time zones so each of you can ‘pop in’ when you can and keep connected. It also means that each person only has to write their thoughts once instead of having lots of individual mini chats – and run the risk of accidentally missing someone out!
Book in a video chat date. An extension of the above as it holds a similar principle but this way you get to ‘see’ each other too which is SO good for the brain. Can be pre-arranged so no different than heading out together to catch up and also great for those with different time zones – it’s wine o’clock somewhere in the world and morning coffee time elsewhere; that’s all good! It’s all about saying “Hi” even if it’s just for 20 minutes once a week.
Arrange a night away/weekend away in a neutral place. Clearly, this is easier if you are in the same country but can still be arranged if not. Often times it’s the excitement leading up to meeting up that can create some great conversation starters and fuss. If you are in the same country, picking a place that is relatively central to everyone not only makes it easier and fairer for all but can create visiting some new places never considered before because it’s about ‘being together’ rather than what the place has to offer. If you are further afield from each other it may be an annually agreed get-together or worst-case scenario, if you can’t travel, someone becomes your ‘buddy’ and makes sure you’re virtually together. If you want to feel super organised you can set up a group bank account where a small amount of money from each person goes into the ‘kitty’ and then you can chat about ideas and plans – great fun and the cost won’t hurt pockets as it has been slowly building and creates something for everyone to look forward to.
Meet up at each others’ places. A bit like a ‘Round Robin’ – take turns to be the host. Not only does it help with keeping a relaxed vibe, like the “good old days”, it also allows you to temporarily be in ‘their’ space for a little while. And this is a great option if funds are a concern. Those who can't physically be there can replicate in their own place and virtually connect in. No one needs to be left out.
Some easy things to help get reconnected there. Go with one for now and see how it works out.
And try your best not to get caught up in keeping tabs over how many times who has got in touch with who – you didn’t do that when you were near each other, you just met up or chatted when you wanted to. So don’t bring that into the game plan now – it serves no purpose other than making you feel miserable, unworthy and missing them even more.
If you’re thinking about them: then get in touch.
You never know:
they may just really need you at the time you do.
If you are struggling with not being with "your people" or perhaps experiencing Reverse Culture Shock (coming "back" home yet you are feeling so far removed from what was your life), then get in touch with me at yvonne@ymrcoaching.com . Not only do I understand, together we can look at how you can effectively and efficiently work with those feelings and get back to feeling more - well, You!
© YMR Coaching & Development
Yvonne has qualifications in Coaching, Positive Psychology, and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and believes in continual personal development. She is currently based in the UK and also has life and work experience in Ireland, New Zealand and Australia. She helps with mindset wellbeing and change which includes significant relocations. She is contactable for client availability, public speaking events and media enquiries here: https://www.ymrcoaching.com/helpful-links
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